Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
