i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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