I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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