The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
