I am spending my child support on dildos
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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