Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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