and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
