if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
