So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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