Just fell off a train. Bad.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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