dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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