he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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