i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize