The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
