Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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