Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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