your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
