Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
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America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
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Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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