please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
