What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
