I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
