Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize