Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
