wrigley field is MILF paradise
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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