i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All the doctor said was why
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
