Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
