one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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