Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
