I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
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That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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