Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
