Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
