we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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