We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
