i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
