Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
