I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We had to coat check the pizza.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
