I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
