dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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