Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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