you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
