pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm like, not good at living.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
