Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
