dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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