Betty ford says i'm here all night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i drank out of a bidet.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
