The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
