I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
