Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Randomize
