That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
