I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Drunk is not a location!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
