Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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