I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
