Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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