Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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