I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
