Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
