cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
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I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.