i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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