mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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